You Can't Make This Up Archives - Page 16 of 34

Idiotic Congressman Worries that Sending More Marines to Guam May Cause the Island to Tip Over

More proof that we are doomed – Democrat congressman Hank Johnson in a Congressional hearing asked a Navy admiral if sending 8,000 Marines and their families to the island of Guam would cause the island to tip over and capsize. The astounding question is captured on a video that will probably go viral. Look at the look on the admiral’s face as he answers the question. For some of Representative Johnson’s other fears, see Ace of Spades HQ who discovered he also fears moon missions may cause the moon to depart its earth orbit and drilling in Alaska could cause Kansas City to become the north pole.

Man Sues Neighbor for Emitting Bad Vibes – Seeks $530,000 in Damages

Arthur Firstenberg sued his neighbor for emitting bad vibrations. He wants damages of $530,000 plus an injunction prohibiting the neighbor from using an iPhone, a wireless router, a laptop computer, and light dimmer switches. Oh the horror! Mr. Firstenberg says he has electromagnetic sensitivities. If this plaintiff wins, it could be a new gold mine of litigation for trial lawyers who will be able to convince juries without any proof that a defendant’s electronics caused the plaintiff’s medical condition. This is the kind of case that trial lawyers love because it is impossible to prove where or disprove the source of the plaintiff’s bad vibes.

See also “Wi-Fi anxiety: Man sues neighbor to shut off electronics.”

Department of Transportation Going Backwards in Time to Emphasize Walking & Bikes

New York Times: “Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has announced a ‘major policy revision’ that aims to give bicycling and walking the same policy and economic consideration as driving. ‘Today I want to announce a sea change,’ he wrote on his blog last week. ‘This is the end of favoring motorized transportation at the expense of nonmotorized‘.”

Makes sense to me. I think the change shows that the Obama administration undertands that Obamacare, massive deficit spending, Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid will soon bankrupt the country and we will no longer be able to afford motorized-vehicles, which are luxuries in third-world countries. The United States needs to prepare now for the time when its citizens will have to either walk or ride a bike to work and to go shopping. I am sure that Government Motors will produce millions of government subsidized family bikes that hold four people and SUBs (surburban utility bikes) that can carry 6 – 8 with some room for luggage in the back. I expect the DOT in the not to distant future to push for more horse powered vehicles of the one or two horse power variety. Walking, bicycling and horse drawn carriages will also greatly reduce our dependence on oil and green house gasses.

Court Ruling Expected Soon on If Arizona Fish Police Can Prohibit Carp Pedicures

Despite the huge budget problems facing Arizona, the State has dedicated valuable resources to protecting the citizens of Arizona from a dangerous procedure that threatens young and old alike – serious bodily harm inflicted by carp fish. The Arizona fish police, aka the Arizona Board of Cosmetology, busted Phoenix salon owner Cindy Vong for using carp fish to give her customers pedicures. Perhaps the carp were underage or maybe Cindy was treating them as independent contractors when the carp were clearly employees. The breed of fish Cindy used was the Garra rufa fish, and they possibly were undocumented workers. Nevertheless, the Arizona fish police said Cindy could not give customers pedicures by immersing their feet in water while the little fishies gobbled away dead skin. The Goldwater Institute came to Ms. Vong’s rescue and filed a lawsuit on her behalf challenging the fishy fish police order. The Maricopa County Superior Court is expected to rule on the case in the next two months at which time we will know if carp pedicures are banned in Arizona.

New York Subway Seat Police Nail Perp for Using Two Seats on an Empty Train

New York’s finest are sworn to uphold the law and by golly that is what they will do regardless of whether it makes any sense or is the right thing to do. After midnight two men were riding on a nearly empty train when a seat cop boarded the train and ordered the two suspects off of the train. According to the New York Times story, “Both men were being issued summonses for seat hoggery, a violation of part of Section 1050.7 of the Rules of Conduct, which says that no one shall ‘occupy more than one seat on a station, platform or conveyance when to do so would interfere or tend to interfere with the operation of the Authority’s transit system or the comfort of other passengers’.”

Business is good for the NYC seat police. Seat hoggery tickets ($50 fine for each hog) increased sixteen percent in 2009 to 9,490 tickets, which is $474,500. Given the financial problems of New York City, maybe it could quadruple the fine and increase the number of seat cops so it could generate much needed revenue. If NYC wanted to make some really big bucks, it would have the bus fare skipper police spend more time nailing bus fare skippers. The New York Daily News had a story last week that said that almost 7 million times last year people hopped NYC buses without paying the fare, but the bus fare skipper police only issued 1,826 tickets.

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